All Things Are... Ancient

Madina

2007-08-14T06:45:00.000+03:00

They say it is hot and crowded over there this summer. And It's been almost a year since my last visit to Madina. The next few days I'll be there inshallah. I think I'll meet many Turks and Iranian who don't speak either Arabic or English and I would feel lost again, like last year :p

Stock of Dreams...

2007-08-12T17:11:00.000+03:00

As I look over the pages of my diary, written in different coloured inks in a notebook with a black paper cover, memories invade me, abrubtly and unexpectedly.. Suddenly on that sunny path, with a memory of the rain.. In some pages, I had a funny feeling that I was reading a younger version of myself with all her childish thoughts and silly dreams. A pair of diamond earrings, live in the Middle ages, be a friend to my favorite writer...etc.

In other pages, I wrote about some people who will be always dearly remembered, "S" who could tell a great deal about people from their photographs, "R" who would finish my sentences for me, long interesting conversations I always had with "D", "M" who shared me many showers under rain.. dearly beloved memories.

It's been a long time since I last wrote something here. So here I am again, my dear void..

Note#2

2007-03-24T19:52:00.000+03:00

- Sometimes I think that overusing and misusing the word "Love" is just meaningless and inappropriate. I have heard and seen some people who use the word for reason and for nothing! It makes the word with no value and meaning..How much better it would be if we, like the Greeks, have different words for each kind of love so that misunderstandings could be avoided and the overusing of the L word could be less. But since we don't, I think it is best if two people try to use other words than the L word when describing their feelings for each other. Words that more accurately describe what they are actually feeling.

- I believe that being a victim of circumstances can be a choice. How we choose to respond to our situation makes us either a victim or a survivor.

- I believe some of the most memorable events are hidden somewhere in my head because I have forgotten to jot them down or maybe I just did that on purpose..?

- People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When we figure out which it is, we'll know exactly what to do next.

The Reason

2007-02-04T00:25:00.000+03:00

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is ...You

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is ...You
.
.
.

Note #1

2007-01-08T23:24:00.000+03:00

Sometimes..
Being yourself is not a good thing

Unfortunately..
.
.
.

Eid Mubarak and Happy New Year
Very late.. My dear Void..

Only Time

2006-12-14T05:59:00.000+03:00

Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows ?
Only Time...

And who can say If your love grows,
As your heart chose ?
Only Time...

Who can say why your heart sighs,
As your love flies ?
Only Time...

And who can say why your heart cries,
When your love dies ?
Only Time...

Who can say when the roads meet,
That love might be,
In your heart.

And who can say when the day sleeps,
If the night keeps all your heart ?
Night keeps all your heart..

Who can say If your love grows,
As your heart chose ?
Only Time...

Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows ?
Only Time...

Who knows ?
Only time..
.
.
.

They Say...

2006-12-04T12:52:00.000+03:00

The older you get, the more you remember your past...

P.S. Today... some of the things that used to be so important to me are not as important as it used to be.

To A Friend

2006-11-22T00:50:00.000+03:00

Never Leave Your Heart Alone

And it's open
For distraction
You found all the words you need

Well I found nothing
I just grumble
Cause I don't know what I feel

The moral to the story goes
Never leave your heart
Never leave your heart... alone

Run for shelter
An umbrella
Fights the rain but not the wind

And I'd be silly
To start preaching
Cause I don't know which point to make

The moral to the story goes
Never leave your heart
In a box
Locked up
With cold cold ice
Never leave your heart
Never leave your heart... alone

Am I frozen ?
But It's summer
Is that rain or is it me ?
Yes I'm melting
Please be happy
One day soon
We might just swim

The moral to the story goes
Never leave your heart
In a box
Locked up
With cold cold ice
Never leave your heart
Never leave your heart... alone
.
.
.

Heart vs. Mind

2006-11-09T06:48:00.000+03:00

When you feel alone, take a deep breathe and look into that void.. You will find that people are mere empty shells which you have filled up with your own thoughts.. However, remember that you are your best companion.

Sometimes you believe too much in others..

Rain

2006-11-03T01:35:00.000+03:00

Raindrops falling outside the window...

Walking alone on wet streets..
There's nothing like the smell of the rain..
Sneaking in the night,

the rain...where she always belongs..
.
.
.

Off

2006-07-29T03:42:00.000+03:00

To Madinah inshallah. That's all for now :)

20 Random Facts

2006-07-13T03:16:00.000+03:00

Mansur has tagged people in his reading list, so here goes :

1. I am a black coffee addict.
2. I am a reserved person.
3. I am half turkish.
4. I am painfully shy, moody and quiet.
5. I am an aunt since I was 15 years old.
6. I am amateur poetess, knitter.
7. I had braces as a teenager which put me in a bad mood for about three years.
8. I almost never chew gum.
9. I never keep long nails.
10. I lack self-confidence.
11. I always create lists: things to do, movies to watch, books to read, things to buy.
12. I usually read magazines backward.
13. I have a niece who looks exactly like me.
14. I have never had a face-to-face meeting with anyone I know from the internet.
15. I love books, rain and dark chocolate.
16. I eat ice cream with a fork instead of a spoon.
17. I like keeping old notebooks.
18. I seldom wear high heels.
19. I still watch cartoons and disney movies.
20. My biggest fear in the world is cockroaches.

Tag to anyone who reads this, thanks Mansur :)

Remedios The Beauty

2006-07-08T18:56:00.000+03:00

I have been thinking of Remedios The Beauty, my favorite character from "One Hundred Years of Solitude", and the most beautiful woman in the world according to Garcia's book , one day, she shaved her head and floated to heaven, leaving her village and the novel abruptly.

So I found this interesting drawing while surfing yesterday. The words quoted directly from the book...and the image is showing Remedios when she ascended to heaven like an angle.

P.S. I'm sure Remedios is way more beautiful than the girl in the drawing :|

Not That Easy

2006-07-05T19:07:00.000+03:00

When I first came to the place, I heard horror stories about what my boss was like. I was actually in her office when she lost her temper with an employee. If words had edges, the employee would have been standing in a pool of her own blood. I promised myself never to get on my boss's bad side. Nothing, not even the greatest frustration was worth running into her on a bad day. I kept that promise very well. I always speak nicely to her in the hallways. I have all my reports in on time to her seceretary. I make sure I am not one of the last people out of the office for breakfast so she wouldn't single me out.

Ashamed of myself, I started seeing myself in all my cowardly glory. I'm consumed with things on the job that I have no control over. I would spend precious creative energy finding solutions to problems that haven't happened yet!

Just wondering.. Is it impossible to create a sound relationship with such boss? we don't have to be best friends, but I think we have to interact like colleagues.

You Know What ?

2006-06-08T05:47:00.000+03:00

Microsoft Help is no help whatsoever.

Triggers

2006-05-28T00:33:00.000+03:00

Someone said something to me a few days ago that upset me. Even as the feelings spiraled, I knew I was overreacting. Knowing this didn’t stop me from feeling hurt and disappointed; It didn’t stop me from believing that the person had lied to me simply to get me to do something.

Since the depth of the hurt was inconsistent with the person’s actions I knew there was something else going on. I explored the feelings until I got to the root of the problem.

I realized, at last, that this incident reminded me of all the times in the past that all too sweet voice tricked me into doing its bidding. A voice that seemed full of kindness and affection, but the sweetness came with a price.

Good night dear void.

Confessions

2006-05-18T03:07:00.000+03:00

* I once bought a desk just because it reminded me of the desk that I imagined a character that I loved might have owned. I sometimes put my hand on the surface of the desk when I walk by and whisper "hello" to him. This makes me smile...

* I read the ends of books first but if I really love a book - I will leave two pages towards the end unread so that I don't ever have to finish reading it...

Good night dear void.

Mountains Or Pebbles ?

2006-05-08T21:55:00.000+03:00

Your Perspective on life

determines if the rocks you face

are pebbles or mountains
.
.
.

Balancing Life

2006-04-25T12:36:00.000+03:00

Sitting at my desk today, work is the furthest thing from my mind.

A coworker close to me is terminally ill, and I’m finding it hard to think about anything else. Too bad I don’t have a job in which being here is enough.

Resonant

2006-04-08T21:44:00.000+03:00

Ever have one of those days where it feels like everything in the world is about you?

I'll give a for instance. Say your best friend told you that she was a "vampire". Because she is your best friend and you love her, you would try your best to understand and to be with her. But then say you went to the bookstore and every other book seemed to be about vampires. You may wonder, is this more common than I think? Does everyone, sooner or later, have a best friend who turns out to be a vampire? Is there no hope? Do no best friendships survive without vampirism?

Then you think, maybe it's all a joke. Maybe you are the only person in the world with a vampire best friend, but everyone else thinks the possibility is really funny. Maybe if you tell anyone that your best friend is a vampire they will laugh at you and mock you and tell their friends about you .

I had one of those days today where everything seemed to be pointing at me and threatening to expose my secrets. Am I just too self-absorbed? Does this happen to you?

Disappointing Read

2006-03-25T22:37:00.000+03:00

Azar Nafisi’s book “Reading Lolita in Tehran” came highly recommended to me because of my admiration of “The Kite Runner”, but I can't honestly say I enjoyed it. It wasn't quite what I expected. I guess I expected more of a traditional memoir, with details about Tehran and

Iran

after the Islamic revolution. There are some of these details in the book, and they do shed some illumination on what life in

Iran

was like during the 1980's and 90's.

Something about the woman annoys me so much that I felt at times she was using this book as a means for her to come to terms with herself and how her own life had changed rather than enlighten the public of the struggles in the Islamic Republic of Iran.

I must say that this book is a Western biased account of the middle east and addresses political and social structure of Iranian society in an awfully biased way. To me, Nafisi isn't really "native". She might be Iranian, but where has she been for most of her life is in USA.

One interesting point about her "veil game": After 15 years teaching in Iranian Universities and of course wearing veil, Nafisi suddenly discovered that "University is not a grocery store" and she shouldn’t wear veil!

I consider myself so patient that I could go on till the very last page.

Hope Floats

2006-03-19T11:10:00.000+03:00

How can I be so certain of something I can’t name? “I’m lacking something,”. Fear, distrust... different sides of the same coin. It’s a fact that people will hurt and disappoint you, just like they’ll fill you with joy and laughter. It’s just a matter of levels and degrees and how much one can handle. I fear I can’t handle much, the heart I carry in my chest tells me as much.

Weakness shames me, scares me and angers me. But above all, it depresses me because I don’t know how to cast it aside. It’s one of those things, one of those moments, I think, that can’t be over thought, that demands action and faith.

Yesterday, I had a funny feeling that I was talking to a younger version of myself.

Someone in your life who finishes your sentences for you, articulates your wishes and demands... Would you love him or hate him?

As I watched "Pride and Prejudice" two days ago, my favorite novel of all times , a poem kept running through my mind. I don't remember by who or that line towards the end...and I have been wondering if there's any real Mr.Darcy... hopeful huh ? :)

It's been a year since I started blogging here... Just thought to let "me" know :P

The First Sign That It Might Be a Bad Day

2006-02-11T11:23:00.000+03:00

Your sister goes to work with your house key and office key.

Welcome to Saturday!

Walking Man

2006-01-20T06:19:00.000+03:00

Every morning on my way to work, I pass a man walking down the road. He is always on the same road and is always wearing the same dark clothes, and a dark blue baseball cap. He is tall and thin. He does not walk very slowly or very quickly. He looks neither happy not unhappy to be walking down the road. He is not trudging along even though this walking were a tiresome chore.

The road where I see this man is a busy one – lots of traffic. I have never seen another walker. Every time I see him, I try to figure or imagine who he is and why he walks along this road every morning. I think that he must be walking to work. There are a number of businesses in the direction he walks and his clothes could be business casual in an office or a small factory along this road. He may live nearby, or he could be coming from a bus.

I find myself building a life for him, and an explanation for his presence. I imagine his family, his history, what sort of work he does. Explanations for why he walks in a place where people only drive. I form opinions about this man based on where and how he walks, what he wears.

I wonder what opinions he forms about me as I pass by.

I Was Born To Walk Alone

2006-01-17T00:45:00.000+03:00

My officemate, a good person, has left the building. She took a new job at one company and today was her last day. She is gregarious and fun and a very nice woman even if she talks too loud on the phone so I sometimes can't hear myself think. My office is already too empty and too quiet.

Good luck, my friend.

"For you, a thousand times over"

2006-01-12T23:31:00.000+03:00

I just finished reading "The Kite Runner" by Khaled Hosseini. I don't know If I can describe how I feel about this book, the weirdest thing is I am not the kind of person who likes to read novels, but this one is absolutely different.

It tells a heartbreaking story of the friendship between Amir, the son of a wealthy Afghan businessman, and Hassan, the son of his father's servant. Amir is Sunni, Hassan is Shi'a. One is born to a privileged class, the other to a loathed minority. One to a father of enormous presence, the other to a crippled man. One is an excellent reader, the other is an illiterate.

The poor Hassan is born with a harelip.

While reading, I've seen the beauty and violence of the country, Afghanistan, comes to life. The customs, the sights, food and smells of the city, the desolation of life and the loss of the country to mad men who are running it with only their imagined vulgar needs and wealth in mind that destroys a culture so varied and rich.

It is pretty thrilling to think that in this big bad world that supports the survival of the Taliban's existence that some people will remain loyal to those they love no matter what.

Although there was one time that I felt the story was a little too implausible, It didn't matter. I felt like I was in the middle of a true story, getting caught up in the life of Amir and Hassan. Wallah my heart was torn and I did cry at various parts of it. It's one of the best books I've read in my life.

"For you, a thousand times over"

I will remember these words for long though.

...

2005-12-31T14:02:00.000+03:00

I am :

- Back and done with my step.
- Doing fine and ready for hand-to-hand fight :p.
- In a watchful mode.
- Still single.

I wish :

- I could go to perform Hajj this year.
- Ariel Sharon would die soon.
- I wasn't due to start working in 9 days.
- It would rain.

I won't : (Inshallah)

- Be crude and selfish.
- Hedge my bets.
- End up having three wisdom teeth removed on Saturday.
- Stop thinking through consequences.

P.S. Thanks to All of you who commented on the previous post, I appreciate it, and Happy New Year :)

Holding on...Whenever I Feel Like Letting Go

2005-11-27T17:09:00.000+03:00

P.S : I won't be here for a while, I have to do a particular step. I only hope that I won't regret doing it. So, take care.

If You Can't Say Something Nice

2005-11-23T00:02:00.000+03:00

My coworker: Hey, you really look like crap!
Me: Well, glad to know it shows.

Evil ?

2005-11-15T12:23:00.000+03:00

There’s a fax machine outside my office that has not worked since I started working here (7 months ago) because the phone line was disconnected. When I first realized the fax was not working, I put a helpful sign on it to alert my coworkers so they would not try to use it and leave the thing beeping outside my office all day.

The sign didn’t work, people ignored it. So, I called the helpdesk and asked them to come up and install a new phone line. They did, it worked once, and then for some unknown reason it stopped working again.

I put up the sign back and would cheerfully notify people who ignored the sign and used the fax that it was broken. Since I never used the fax and had already devoted minutes and minutes to solving the problem, I felt it was someone else’s turn to take the initiative and call the helpdesk.

Anyway, the sign has disappeared and I am obviously the only person in the building who has figured out that the fax is broken and has been for 7 months. Now it’s a popularity contest outside my office door. If I like you? I will cheerfully remind you that the fax machine doesn’t work and suggest you go down the hall to the next one. If you aggravate the crap out of me?
Happy Faxing! :D

This has proven to be an excellent system for me since there are only two types of people in this world; the people who I love , and the people who annoy me.

I am so evil! :p

First Day Back is Always.....

2005-11-11T08:13:00.000+03:00

Boring !
.
.
.

I wrote this long post last night that I was going to publish today, about all this stuff going on in my life, but I just deleted it. I'm having another one of my moments...lost, dazed, confused.

I am guessing the next month or so will be quiet here. My writing has already been sporadic and I sense it will lessen further, as I get my things together. I keep saying I'm going to concentrate on writing some real things offline, and read books from my mountainous pile, but I keep finding excuses to procrastinate .
(for some reason I'm avoiding what my heart is really aching for).

And the sad thing is tomorrow will be the first day back to work after the Eid holiday ( I should have started working last tuesday, but I gave myself 2 days off, I have no idea what's the matter with me?! :p ) and I've decided to do something here. I'm really sorry to do it here, but if I do it at home my sisters are going to get really annoyed with me and may take steps to get even, such as telling people how I knocked myself out cold yesterday by slamming my forehead into the countertop. But I have to get this out of my system, and that means taking it out on my comfort zone. Anyway, here goes.

I'm not going to work tomorrow. I'm not going to work tomorrow. I'm not going to work tomorrow. I'm not going to work tomorrow. I'm not going to work tomorrow. I'm not going to work tomorrow. I'm not going to work tomorrow. I'm not going to work tomorrow. I'm not going to work tomorrow. I'm not going to work tomorrow.

You will have to imagine the sing-song effect for yourselves.

I feel much better now. Four day weekend ! :p

I am Horribly Late...

2005-11-04T23:54:00.000+03:00

This Eid has been so quiet and warm. For some moments, I wish I was 10 so that I could really enjoy every bit of Eid, I also wish the people who left me and this world could come back so that I could spend one more Eid with them.

Samyah tagged me long time ago to answer the following so here it goes:

Seven Things I Plan To Do:

1. Get a Master degree.
2. Get adapted in my work place.
3. Drink 8 glasses of water everyday.
4. Bring out the best in me.
5. Do what everybody has been telling me to do for months.
6. Publish one of my Arabic poems.
7. Do Hajj.

Seven Things I Can Do:

1. Bake.
2. Read fast.
3. Write poetry
4. Sew and knit.
5. Talk to myself.
6. Get myself into trouble easily.
7. Say "Sorry" when I am wrong straight in the eyes...

Seven Things I Cannot Do:

1. Save money.
2. Type fast.
3. Hold a grudge.
4. Spoil Kids.
5. Cook Kabsa.
6. Get myself out of trouble.
7. Really smile when I am not happy.

Seven Things I Say Most Often:

1. "7asbya Allah!"
2. "Al-jayb wa7ed"
3. "Ya Allah"
4. "Really?"
5. "e7lifi?"
6. "Ya rab laka al7amd"
7. "6ayeb"

Seven People I want to pass this tag to:
No one. You people have tagged them all :p

P.S. : Everything is just splendid except my hair, I have the worst haircut ever this Eid..I look like an elf :D

Have a wonderful Eid...

I am

2005-10-23T19:11:00.000+03:00

After midnight,

I will be in Madinah to spend rest of Ramadan inshallah,

so blogging will be sporadic.

By which I mean probably not at all.

Deal with it :p

Salam.

Updated: Eid Mubarak To You :)

Going With the Flow...

2005-10-18T02:01:00.000+03:00

It’s all Greek to me. And people set during Ramadan is just bothering me.

When people think that just because they’re fasting they can do A LOT of things. They pray a lot and don’t work… and the big problem is that they really believe that what they’re doing is the right thing. Basically, I don’t like the feeling that we’re the best in Ramadan and the worst in other months, I don’t like seeing people believing in this.

Jeddah during Ramadan is crazy. The streets are full of people, the traffic is at a standstill, and people are very nervous, lose their temper and even swear at each other. People will always excuse it by just saying “ ana sayem/a” (it’s because I’m fasting) which is just a lame excuse.

Here at work, everyone is so lazy. Just go into any office and you’ll find the people looking like they’re on drugs or something. Dead eyes, dry lips and usually with their heads resting on the desk. I once went to ask a colleague for specific work to be done; she just gave me a look to kill! Like she was saying: “How dare you! This is Ramadan! “.

I hate taxi drivers when they spit outside the car as they try not “ yebla3o reeghom”. They think by this way they’re protecting their fasting. Typical!

And I hate being stuck in front of TV for long hours, doing nothing but watching crappy shows instead of making good use of this time.

I don’t like the dramatic change in our religious behavior before and after Iftar... Before people are peaceful, behaving obediently …after Iftar everything is allowed again.

No way to explain how helpless I feel when fasting and looking around me to find people totally unaware that it’s Ramadan. I feel like calling out ‘Hey everyone, it’s Ramadan’ I feel like they’re making me go with the flow and miss out in all the barakah.

I love Ramadan…but hate a lot of dumb things people are doing by the name of Ramadan.

A Phone Call

2005-10-11T04:31:00.000+03:00

Sometimes all you need is to hear the voice of an old dear friend to make you feel better.

I had that last night. It was like a breathe of fresh air to have a wonderful chat with a friend whom I haven't heard from in such a long time, somehow it took me back to 3 years ago.. wallah beautiful memories ...when I was still at school.

It feels good that even after a long time, people still care about each other and just by talking make you realize that there's still something good about this life.

This phone call just made my day.

P.S.: Before this phone call I was really pissed off ... I had no choice but change my blog templete since I lost the whole code all of a sudden.

What Does Ramadan Mean To You ?!

2005-10-08T05:13:00.000+03:00

R ~ Repentance

A ~ Acquiring more knowledge

M ~ Month of Blessing

A ~ Asking for forgiveness from Allah (SWT)

D ~ Dhikr and Du`a (Remembrance of God and Supplication)

A ~ Al-Quran

N ~ Nourishing the Soul

Hadith: The Messenger of Allah (Peace Be Upon Him) said: “Whoever observes night prayer in Ramadan as an expression of his faith and to seek reward from Allah, his previous sins will be blotted out.” Related by Muslim.

Ramadhan Mubarak !!

2005-10-01T18:00:00.000+03:00

Since Ramadhan is approaching almost on Tuesday, October 4th, I just wanted to wish you all a happy Ramadhan. May Allah SWT reward our good deeds during this holy month and we can improve our taqwa. May Allah be praised, and may He bless us all so that we may take full advantage from this coming month. Ameen.

So much to say about my days away, but no clue where to begin. If I start writing here about how scattered and confused I was regarding one painful decision , I may never stop. So, I'll just wait until the perfect time comes.

P.S.: Big thanks to all of you (Anonymous, Mansur, Itachi, my beautiful friend Lama, Hopeless Poet, Rodrigo and Sarah) who did comment or e-mail me..I really appreciate your kindness, thank you all.

2005-09-24T13:23:00.000+03:00

*Post deleted due to lack of interest*

No More Dress Up

2005-09-18T00:14:00.000+03:00

Whenever people introduce me to someone by telling them how much I read I feel like I’m on display and that people are expecting me to come out with a couple of quick book reviews while wallah I am really a normal reader ..I mean .. Sometimes I take very long reading one book..It depends on my moods and motives. Like recently, I took TWO MONTHS reading two books and no feeling like reading so far.

The most dreaded question is : So, how many books do you read a month?

It’s like if I have a bald patch on the top of my head and someone has just asked me to take off my hat.

Quick, they’re staring at you! Will they ‘get it’ or think you’re stupid?

-- Well, it depends . My reading is dictated by my moods. So it can vary.

-So, a book a week?

--Yeah, or maybe more.

-Two? Three?

--Really, it depends. Can’t really say. Some books are quick reads and others take a while.

- Four? Five?

--No no I guess 2 or so. I read more than one book at a time.

-Wow.

--It’s no big deal, really.

-That’s a lot.

--I don't know.. I just like to read.

My Wallet

2005-09-14T02:07:00.000+03:00

I’ve lost my dark brown wallet.

This upsets me for a couple of reasons:
a. It was a gift;
b. It has my name on it and I had both business & personal cards in it.
So, clearly someone could return it and I’ve not heard from anyone.

Why some people SUCK ?! *

*and not in a good way

Self Confidence Or Competence ?!

2005-09-09T14:25:00.000+03:00

My sister "N" said something to me last night that got me thinking. She said, "You shouldn't judge your level of competence by other people's accomplishments" She is so incredibly right. Why do we look at what other's have done, or what they know, and let it remind ourselves what we don't know, or haven't done? Why is it so hard for me to be proud of my level of education, proud of my career choices, proud of my abilities to learn new things myself, pick beautiful clothes :p, instead of constantly feeling as though I don't measure up to -some- others? Is this inherent human nature? Are those feelings part of our instinct to strive for achievement? Certainly points to ponder.

I wonder, if I didn't have feelings of inadequacy sometimes, would I would strive to better myself?

2005-09-05T13:50:00.000+03:00

Is anyone at work today ?

Anyone ?
.
.
.

It's empty here.
very empty.

Because I Don't Know...

2005-09-01T03:06:00.000+03:00

My cousin "S" tells me that I should be prepared to deal with a lot of teasing if I start blogging again. Perhaps she’s right, but the fear of a little teasing shouldn’t be the thing that keeps me away, right? Plus, in all honesty, I don’t fear the teasing. I can take it though. you know, it’s like five course meals sometimes.

But that’s not the thing. The thing is that once I make a decision, I like it to stick. The problem is that I miss being able to write here. Is the missing true though? Or have I just not let the habit pass through my system?

This is what I don’t know. I hate not knowing.

I also hate being so quiet among people, it's like I'm so wise person that alrrazanah would come out of my nose !!

The one had nothing to do with the other except these are the two things I was just thinking about on this early thursday morning.

That and
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Does anyone know where can I find the last season of The Gilmore Girls on DVD here in Jeddah? I do believe I have the first three seasons memorized by now and I’m quite ready to move on. I am just in love with this show...

Need I say more?

"Gut Feeling"

2005-08-16T11:53:00.000+03:00

* Have you ever had a "gut feeling" about something that's later turned out to be true?

* Have you ever felt "open-hearted"? Ever encountered a situation that's made you "hot under the collar"?

Work vs. ...?!

2005-08-11T15:34:00.000+03:00

I haven't done any program work in months!

The idea of me creating database design concept in 3 weeks seems sooo far away. Pencil sketches, screen layouts, deadlines, invoices, timesheets. In a previous life! I'm almost scared to try, in case I discover that I've lost the ability to use that part of my brain! Or I've forgotten how to program, AND be a hard-working career professional. It's a scary thought.

My life is warm and fuzzy lately, in a world of Mr Spider, sleeping and eating without being bothered by any sort of activities.

And it's beginning to bug me.

Yes, I'm having a hard time getting used to the fact that I'm not earning any money. Each month passes and I wish that I could put a Riyal value to the things I've done. I mean that it's not about the money. Rather, the worth of the work I'm doing. Because sometimes, when I'm totaly busy programming something, I pause and think. I find it hard to comprehend that I someone would pay me for making simple administrative tasks, and nothing for this. And then I go back to programming, slowly puzzling over which of the two is worse.

It also bugs me to watch the industry happily going about it's business. Watching things change, trends move, technologies emerge. I feel like I've missed the bus or something.

I watch my old friends and colleagues develop and evolve. I'm getting so out of the loop and groove so quickly! It scares me to think that I might be left on the shelf.

On the other hand, I think I want a change. I'd like to do something with a lot more soul..beside work..Something worthwhile, with purpose and value. Something would make use of my brain..

Ya Allah...If I just could study Master...

I guess in the meantime I'll be quite happy being undecided.

It is said that...

2005-08-05T22:41:00.000+03:00

King Fahd..The Great Loss

2005-08-01T22:05:00.000+03:00

Our beloved King "Fahd bin Abdul Aziz Al Saud" ,who has been ill for almost 2 years , passed away today morning...

It is hoped that we -dear readers- take time to pray for him, He needs our do3aa' now.

I am sad

To Allah we belong and to him we shall return.

Ina lel Allah wa ina ilayhee raje3on.

Anagrams !

2005-07-30T01:25:00.000+03:00

An anagram for "Ancient" is "Act Nine". I intend to use this as my pseudonym.

What's yours?

Photos

2005-07-27T20:53:00.000+03:00

I really enjoyed snapping pictures of some scenes of Abha (I found out they were the worst photos I've EVER seen lol) I will never forget, although my skill level at taking interesting quality shots still has far far far to go :P .But it was fun.

Here are some...

The new Abha area was awesome, I was there last day in Abha

Cable Car.. I had alot of fun

Cable Car again...

The place where I stayed.

Some people couldn't believe this is a real sky.. What about you?

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Enough though :)

2005-07-24T22:16:00.000+03:00

Paint The Weekend in Numbersٍٍ

2005-07-23T21:55:00.000+03:00

-Number of episodes of Friends I watched: 3

-Number of times I have watched "Captain Corelli's Mandolin": 4

-Number of minutes exercised: 32

-Number of diet cokes consumed: 5

-Number of cups of coffee consumed: 4

-Number of glasses of water consumed: None. I barely drink water.

-Number of showers: 2

-Number of times I have answered the phone: 2

-Number of times I have let it roll over to voice mail: 5

-Number of pages read in a book: 87

-Number of books finished: 0

-Number of naps: 4

-Total number of hours slept: 26

-Number of people who told me I am a lazy : 2

-Number of people who inferred that I am a lazy : 1

-Number of people I told to leave me alone: 3

-Number of "hellos" I will admit to having said into the phone when attempting to answer in my sleep: 2

-Number of minutes I laughed when my brother told me he wants to get married: 11

-Number of bruises I have on my arm from my brother punching me in efforts to get me to shut up: 1

-Number of entries I tried to write: 4

-Number of entries I gave up on: 4

-Number of songs sung at the top of my lungs in a horrible accent: 9

-Number of complaints by my sister: None, surprisingly

-Number of friends made: 0

-Number of enemies made: I think 0 would be a safe bet.

Blank and Fractured

2005-07-21T19:16:00.000+03:00

Earlier today, I wandered from the computer to the kitchen, from the television to the bedroom, fluttering between them, but I couldn't manage to settle into one place or one activity.

I opened Word to write...post something, and the blank screen made fun of me, taunting me like a French stereotype. Then, I found myself publishing a Blank post..a post without one single word or even letter.

A few days ago I accidentally erased most of my hard drive (all my documents, photos and music files ) G.O.N.E. Instead of stressing, I sighed with relief...less data makes me feel better. Today, I wished I could do the same with a certain portion of my brain, the area that has been debating for days and can't handle it anymore. I wish to simply delete an entire segment of brain activity, because I am exhausted from all the whole banking idea.

My hair is a mess, my skin feels too tight and at the tips of my fingers and toes.

I want a bubblebath, but I don't want to commit to the necessary time for a good soak. I want to read, but nothing interests me.

I'm not hungry,but I'm craving...Something..something I can't name . I'm not sure if it's a flavor, a texture, a scent, a sound, an image or a combination of some or all.

I feel blank, like a clean paper, but with none of the associated possibilities.

I feel fractured, like a reflection from a broken mirror.

I want. I need.

I don't know.

Sheeps :((

2005-07-10T12:24:00.000+03:00

I'm still trying to recover from the news I have heard from dad last night....

WE ARE FlYING TO THE SOUTH TOMORROW NOON ( today in few hours) :((

I just don't feel like being there, it's not the suitable time for cold weather, mountains or sheeps..sheeps?!

*Oh perfect ! they sing for you before going to bed :D
Please!! my summer vacation just started..I can't believe that from tomorrow on there is no Dominos, Aroma or Barnies for a week !

In other news, there is no Internet access as well, so I won't be blogging here next days..

Patience ya Rab :((

----------------------------------

*updated: I copied & pasted this post when I was dressing in to go to the airport,didn't notice there were some Important missing words :P

What's Next ?!

2005-07-08T02:20:00.000+03:00

Hello Timon

2005-07-05T19:05:00.000+03:00

I have always loved that motor-mouthed, fast-talking meerkat called "Timon". He just can't help but makes me laugh especially in that episode with Pumbaa, where Pumbaa found gold and Timon only found a bottle cap :D, the look on Timon's face in that one scene just broke my heart hehe..wallah it hit me.

The thing is, my sister N dresses in Timon every now and then, it's not about making good natural jokes at things or following their Hakuna Matata ("no worries") lifestyle...no, she simply tends to give an idea or opinion about something like if she invents a brand new thing to say after I had said it long time ago and she didn't like it at that time! so, she is being Timon again ! like if my general ideas overshadow her.

For example, one day we went to a mall for shopping, then I found that blue shirt and hopelessly fell in love with it, I asked : Isn't it beautiful? she said :" not that much, you could find much more nicer stuff than this one" and had that confidence in her look..but I insisted and bought it anyway, more two weeks , she was searching in my closet for something to wear then saw the blue" NOT that MUCH" shirt, she said: Oh! How nice! I was like: What? "Hello Timon!" then I had that kind of uncontrollable anger and said: Mafee, e7lamee feeha awal ! :P

I prefer to have Pumbaa's slow thought processes, there is nothing wrong with that :P, anyway she will kill me when she reads this post.

Thank You "Allured"

2005-07-01T04:15:00.000+03:00

I wasn't around in the last few days hence I didn't notice that I have been tagged by "Allured" so, thank you :)

Here goes..

*Number of books I own:

My father and I share the same bookshelves, so I think we have more than 400 books.

*Last book I read:

The Perfume - It's a novel I already wrote post about it, it's just great.

*Five books that mean a lot to me:

1. Riyadh Al-sale7een : I just can't express the feeling when I drop by hadiths I never heard of.
2. 9aid Al-'7a6er by ebn al-jawzi.
3. The Happiest Woman in The World by Ayed Al-Qarni : it was a present from my best friend.
4. The Color of Water : A Black Man's Tribute to His White Mother.
5. A Beautiful Mind.

*The book I am reading since long but could not finish:

The Holy Qura'an Explanation by ebn Katheer, six really big books and I'm still in the 5th one starting from the last book which is the 6th and this kind of books need real attention and concentration Allah y3een.What bothers me is that I can't concentrate on one book at time I'm just floating like a butterfly from one to another ended up with nothing sticks in my mind :|

ok now I'm tagging nezitic, True Faith and Sarah.

2005-06-21T00:55:00.000+03:00

Perfume - The Story of a Murderer By Patrick Suskind

I read this book while I was away based on the recommendations by two friends of mine, not expecting anything extraordinary. At first I started flipping through pages with no curiosity, as I went further; I have found myself unable to let it down and finished it in 2 days. And such thing didn't happen for me in quite some time ( since I don't usually read novel books).

It is the fascinating and horrifying tale of "Grenouille", a person as gifted as he was abominable, obsessed and insane. Born without a smell of his own, with no scent and an unbelievable sense of smell. A person who never should have existed at the first place… However, you cannot hate him and maybe that is what frightens me in this novel. How can you hate something that does not have any kind of moral code, yet it craves for beauty …Beauty that he finds in smells.

The more I was amazed by this book, the more confused I was as I wondered how can one care for beauty and neglect life at the same time. He chose to separate between the two things but can such separation exist?!

Some stories you just don't forget, even if you don't totally like them (for sometimes it was so disgusting to read some events). This is one of those (at least to me) even though it has been an international best seller. When a colleague of mine asked me whether to read it or not I said: If you are anything like me, this story won't creep you out like the lines of "Silence of the Lambs"..instead you will be watching some strange goings-on. Worth reading :)

...

2005-06-18T00:58:00.000+03:00

I feel......very uncreative. I don't want to post just to post. I feel like my brain is on hold. Let's see if I can think loudly.

I am:

- Back in Saudi
- Fine
- Not ready to go back to work
- Avoiding my cell phone
- Proud of my brother

I wish I had:

- More time in Austria
- The courage to do some stuff
- Perfect health

What If:

- I get married?
- I never do master?
- I never get married?
- I stop reading?

All right, I'm off now.

2005-05-21T00:01:00.000+03:00

Inspiring Painting

Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me, in your memory

Remember, when your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
Just remember me

I am the one star that keeps burning, so brightly,
It is the last light, to fade into the rising sun

I'm with you
Whenever you tell, my story

Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me, in your memory
Remember me

I am the one voice in the cold wind, that whispers
And if you listen, you'll hear me call across the sky

As long as I still can reach out, and touch you
Then I will never die

Remember, I'll never leave you
If you will only
Remember me

Remember me...

Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me
In your memory

Remember, when your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
I live forever
Remember me

Remember me
Remember... me...

* * *
Josh Groban - Remember Lyrics

ََQuote of the day

2005-05-15T00:59:00.000+03:00

وَ الموْتُ يَعشَقُ فَجْأة ً، مِثلي ..

وَالموْتُ ، مِثلي ، لايُحبُّ الإنِتظار !
.
.
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"محمود درويش"

New look blog

2005-05-13T04:35:00.000+03:00

Tonight I spent ages trying out new looks for my blog, I have finally settled on this one. Im still unsure though . However i will keep it for now because it seems organized even though my sister N doesn't like it at all, she said it looks weird and isn't nice add to that am not really fan of black, it pretty much reflects my feelings now. Anyways I found more templates here

I'm having such a disturbing problem with the comment icon, i have no idea why it doesn't appear , I even checked HTML code for the template but still...

I might try again tomorrow inshallah, now time to pray and then ZZzzzz...

Yourself

2005-05-12T01:45:00.000+03:00

This is something I've read and thought to share them here:

You must learn that you cannot be loved by all people
You must be the finest apple in the world - ripe, juicy, sweet, succulent - and offer yourself to all. But you must remember that there will be people who do not like apples.

You must understand that if you are the world’s finest apple, and someone you love doesn’t like apples, You have the choice of becoming a banana.

But you must be warned that if you choose to become a banana, you will be a second-rate banana. But you can always be the finest apple.

You must also realize that if you choose to be a second-rate banana, There will be people who do not like bananas.

Furthermore, you can spend your life trying to become the best banana - which is impossible if you are an apple - or you can seek again to be the finest apple.

Around...

2005-05-11T01:05:00.000+03:00

Haven’t vanished, just been very busy in reality. And I'm very depressed about something...

I vanished from a persons life, no words spoken no discussion no reason I just vanished, I deleted accounts and simply just moved on. I tried more times to reflect about but trying isn’t good enough for me I like equality, and that person never gave that instead they always blamed me for issues I never where involved in, but all I did was trying to have a good friendship. I actually used to feel a connection but that died away some months ago.

I do wish them well on what ever path they are on. Life’s just so busy I can’t be there for a high maintained Internet friendship. Is that so selfish? Is that so wrong that I’ve just let go? I don’t feel so but I’ve been wrong before I could be wrong now But I do feel this is for the best.

It's too late in here, got to go to bed, nite.

What's Behind Al-Naseyah?!

2005-04-29T20:58:00.000+03:00

Over the last few months I have been reading "Ebn Katheer Explanation of The Holy Qura'an" and it's really taking me ages to finish only one part ,because this kind of book is so big that needs real concentration and careful attention. Despite the fact that I still struggle in the sixth part ( they are 6 books and don't say wow! I STARTED with the sixth part because the short ayaat is little bit easier to start with), I'm always overwhelmed by the miracles stated in the Qura'an especially the scientific ones, and I realized that I have not really been paying as much attention to the meaning as I should, even though I have read these verses more than thousands times, but never ask why ? how ?... For example:

Allah has said in the Quran about one of the evil unbelievers (maybe "Abo Jahl" I'm not sure) who forbade the prophet Mohammed "peace be upon him" from praying at the Kaaba in surat al-3alaq:

( كلا لئن لم ينته لنسفعاً بالناصية * ناصيةٍ كاذبةٍ خاطئة )

Why did the quraan describe Al-Naseyah( the front of the head) as being lying and sinful? Why didn't the quran say that the person himself was lying and sinful ? what is the relationship between the front of the head and lying and sinfulness?
If we look into the skull of the human head at the front of it, we will find the prefrontal area of the cerebrum. Physiology tells us that the function of this area is the motivating and the foresight to plan and initiate movements and it's also thought to be the functional center for aggression. So, this area of the cerebrum is responsible for planning, motivating and initiating the good and sinful behavior and is also responsible for the telling of lies and the speaking of truth. Therefor, it's proper to describe the front of the head as lying and sinful when someone lies or commits a sin, as the Quran has said.

Scientists have only discovered the function of the prefrontal area in the last sixty years while this fact in our holy quraan for centuries...Sob7an Allah.

A Quick Caricature !

2005-04-24T16:04:00.000+03:00

hehehee.. Something similar happened to my aunt,
and it was a gas.

Back!

2005-04-22T21:54:00.000+03:00

Hi everyone,

It's been really long time since I last blogged something here. I feel like This is my virtual home and I'm committed to it. The thing is my sister is getting married!

How wonderful that is my lovely sister getting married ?!

I can't believe the room will be MINE at last ! hehe. I admit that sometimes I can be mean, but mostly I am tender. Nowadays my family is in the middle of storm preparing everything for the engagement party.

Since the big event, every night my sister and I stay up the whole night talking, talking and talking...about a lot of things such as how she would answer if he asked her that question ,the way he thinks, acts, whether he is wise or brainless? either funny or boring. We try to figure out his personality by guessing. it is really interesting.

I can't imagine myself without her because she is the oldest, strongest personality in the family. I will miss her and I will miss our fights a lot. I ask Almighty Allah to give her all the happiness she deserves, and to give me the courage and patience to be without her.

Anyways I'm back now and will be blogging again I was just too tired, lazy and sometimes sick few weeks ago to do anything .

Just Waiting

2005-03-19T21:20:00.000+03:00

Last weekend went by quickly and so many things happened. I'm undecieded about so many things right now. This causes daily confusion, but it is an uncomfortable feeling that I really need. It is the only thing that keeps me standing on my toes - Living- , choosing and moving carefuly towards whatever is calling me.

Just like the seasons , I'm in between. I can say something is started to be an issue and I'm extremely busy with the personal and proffessional changes I'm passing through. There are opportunities and options popping up all over, more to come but still...

Some days you feel up..Some days you feel down..Some days you just feel ...nothing!

Tomorrow's another day.

It's a...

2005-03-12T01:28:00.000+03:00

Do you ever have one of those moments where you just can't think of the right thing to say, but you know the perfect song to express what you are feeling?? that's where I am.

Wallah I Don't have much to say today, there is , as usual, much to worry and write about, but i'm just not in the mood..going to sleep soon.

2005-03-09T15:36:00.000+03:00

This is just a test
to see if I can add link to posts :P

I just came back home half an hour ago, so tired and sleepy. I might add new post later.

Talking to Dear "Void"

2005-03-09T01:53:00.000+03:00

Yesterday, I was arguing when this old woman I work with used some "big words". They may not seem that big to other people, but the way she talked while discussing unusual subjects seemed so natural, like if she is using those words everyday.Fact is, it made me a little bit jealous.I don't want to be words king, great lecturer or special person ,it's just that it makes me feel like I often use the same small boring words over and over again " I just did it ". It would be wonderful to have a pile of unique words to choose from whenever I need to, for an important reason, just to prove to myself that all my reading and writing is paying off.

This is not about impressing anyone with complicated conversation, just about challenging myself to build some skills.

When I was student, I had that kind of silent nature and somewhere along the way, I stopped asking questions. I debate, but mostly in my head, not loud, and not often to anyone else. I just search and read, read and search, finding more and more new stuff, but not stopping long enough to ask why? how? with whom? where? what? Not stopping to process, decide or act. It's bad, I know it is.

Next month, I will be having tough time at work. Nowadays, I'm working on a project that often sets me off.

Goodnight dear void.

Day 1 of Not Sleeping at noon

2005-03-07T01:57:00.000+03:00

After months of practicing the habit of taking a nap during the daytime, which is a healthy habit, I suppose, I didn't sleep today and now it's almost midnight and I have not slept YET.

Energy feels boundless, no need for food. My six senses fight, hearing colors, smelling sounds, etc.The funny thing that is I noticed alot of absurd and useless stuff clanking around in my head. Some I have memorized over the years for fun, or because they remind me with nice situations and some are from movies I have watched, other I used to repeat over and over again so I can't get rid of them .

More than 13 Lyrics to Disney's movies : Toy Story, Shrek, Beauty and the Beast, Finding Nemo...etc
"No one can make you feel Inferior without your consent" I often repeat it in my heart :p
The Lyric for The GodFather theme
The Lyric for Captin Corilli's Mandolin movie
One paragraph of "Al-bo7'alaa" book by Othman ben Ba7r Al-ja7eth
One scene of The Patriot by Mel Gibson
" Have you ever felt that you are the worst version of yourself ? "

Silly ! I know...

It just keeps myself company when I get lonely. Actually, it's the first time for me to use this nice blog and just wanted to drop some words for good and thank a friend of mine who gave me the link, so thank you.

Have not finished a single chore today. in short, I lost the "Sunday" of this week.

Prayer

2005-03-04T19:40:00.000+03:00

Ya Allah...Make me an instrument of goodness,WATCH OVER ME.where there is injury,let me sow forgive,where there is sadness, joy,where there is doubt, faith,where there is despair,hope.AMEEN